Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Unisom, Don Cornelius, and Ms. Backfat 2011 Part one

Through my closed eyes, I could almost see Jake twitching next to me as we were supposed to be watching "Soul Train" at 1:00 am.  The effects of the Flexoral we had taken were starting to wear off, and I was starting to be able to use my limbs again. more flexoral, beer and weed. I was like a fucking zombie. Jake was worse off; in addition to what he and I took, he was also seriously tweaked on 5 tabs of acid. I knew he was doomed when he turned to me and mumbled "dude, Don Cornelius wants you dead. He just told me".
I opened my eyes just enough till they were slits. They were doing the Soul Train line dance to "Hypnotize" by Biggie Smalls, and Don Cornelius was nowhere in sight. "Think you got your signals crossed, Jake. No way would Don Cornelius wants me dead."  Jake whipped around to me.

"How the fuck do you know? He JUST told me! I'm in tune with him. He said, 'I want that cracker next to you dead Jake. You do this you get a spot on the line'. I'm tempted to go through with it, just to be able to dance behind that chick with the big ass"
I felt him get uncomfortably close. Maybe watching Soul Train with acid, Flexoral, and weed was a bad idea. Acid heads don't know pain, and my limbs were still on vacaction so I couldn't hold him off for long if he was serious, and it certainly seemed like he was. I rolled off the couch to go get a beer. Shambling to the fridge, i grabbed a bottle of Miller Lite and popped it open, keeping one eye behind me. I came back into the living room and sat in the arm chair directly in front of him, so I could keep an eye on that murderous gleam. "Uh, Jake listen. I think we need to go to Walmart, just to get out of the house. We are also out of snacks, and I'm feining for some Andy Capp Hotfries. The super Walmart is just down the street. What do you say?"
He stared at me for a bit, then shook his head and widened his eyes. "Huh? uh..yeah...I guess that's good. I need some milk and eggs anyway. I need an omlet. And I need to come down a little from the acid. I'm thinking Unisom should do the trick." he got up to grab the keys and I snatched them away before he could get them. "what the fu-"
"You think I'm letting you drive after you just told me Don Cornelius was egging you on to kill me? Fuck you...I don't trust your dosing ass to not drive into a tree. It's always the passenger that gets killed while the driver comes out scott fucking free. No way...I drive".
He looked at me like he was going to charge at me, but I could see he thought better of it. Jake was a little guy, and although he hung with gangsters, he was still a suburban Jewish kid who went to one of the best schools in Mass. I had met him when I worked telemarketing, and I quickly found out he was a walking pharmacy. How he ever raised money high on  a plethora of narcotics at any given time is beyond me, but he was always the top salesperson in the group. Even sober, I couldn't raise money the way he could. Our shared love for over the counter drugs and old school gangsters bonded us and we had been friends ever since. Just..every so often you had to suffer through situations like this one where you couldn't turn your back on him for a second. 
      I stared him down as I jingled the keys. "Don't think about it, you fucker. Now come on". Jake shrugged and followed me to the car. As we got in and I turned the ignition he turned to me and said, "you know the only reason why you are alive is because I'd have no one else to smoke with at the breaks right"? I smirked at him. "Right." I answered. "Pull my other leg, and it plays jingle bells". 
We pulled into Walmart and not surprisingly, it was half full. Walmart is a great hang out if you have already eaten at IHOP, and aren't ready to go home yet. People just wander the store,some to buy food they may have run out of at 2 a.m., some for maybe baby food and we have all seen the "people of walmart" vids and pictures online. Where the fuck else are these people going to go to be accepted? As we walked in, we passed the kid checking reciepts, standing there like Dudley Do-Right. No way was so much of a mistakenly taken fingernail clipper getting passed him. Must have been his first week. The vets just kind of hang there, unless the alarm goes off and even then, their version of giving chase involves a bored, "wait...stop...bring it back".  The kid eyes us suspiciously, as we tried our best to look straight. Kind of hard when Jake was wearing circular rose red sunglasses like Mickey in "Natural Born Killlers", a long sleeved black dress shirt and jeans and I had on a sweat soaked  "Kill 'em all-Let God sort them out" white t shirt I purchased from Soldier of Fortune Magazine and cargo shorts.
       I made my way to the chip aisle and got my Andy Capp hotfries, and Jake grabbed the eggs and milk. I met him at the pharmacy section so we could get the Unisom. As we were there a hugely obese chick with a pink t-shirt that said "cute" in sparkles accross her well worn tits sauntered by with some Dietary aid in her hand. Jake took a look at her, and muttered, "fuck...why bother..." he must have said it louder than he thought because she turned around to him and asked him what he said. " I said 'why bother'? It's not like you're going to use the shit, not when you're pounding down Big Mac's and French fries at Mickey D's, then ordering a Diet Coke to console yourself that you are being healthy. Just be happy with who you are, and don;t be a hypocrite".  The girl looked at him wide eyed, as if she had just been slapped in the face. I put my head in my hand and just shook my head. was on....
    "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" she hissed, her hand on her way ample hip.  "you've got balls, with your gay sunglasses.."
"hey I can take these off" Jake interjected. "A lot easier than you can take the weight off, Ms Backfat 2011".
I quickly stepped between them. "he doesn't know what he's saying miss...he just got out of the asylum 2 days ago, and he's trying to adjust to society...I'm really sorry."
She looked at me with a deadly venom in her piggy eyes. "and who are you? his gay uncle"?
I laughed. "No no...I'm his doctor. Dr. Manfrengenson".
"Well, doctor,  you better keep your boy in line, and keep his mouth shut or sumthin's gonna be in it"
"What"?, Jake sneered "that ham of a fist of yours? You step to me, and you'll be dressed in pinapple slices at the end of  it, porky"
I rounded on Jake, "will you shut the fuck up? No! " I yelled when he started to open his mouth. "shut the fuck up..we got the unisom, let's just go back to the house and..." I was about to say, get fucked up again when I heard a voice over the loud speaker.
"Attention, Wal-Mart shoppers...we uh..have had a slight computer malfucntion, aaaannd....our doors are locked. We are working to resolve this issue, and we regret any inconvenience this may cause. Thank you again for shopping Wal-Mart"
 The girl, Jake and I all looked at each other, and Jake was the one who voiced what we were thinking. I threw the Unisom packet down and sat in the aisle, against the shelves. "Fuck. My. Life. This can't be happening"
I looked at Jake, as the girl cursed under her breath. "'s not so bad Jake. We have free snacks here. We have smokes...we have unisom! I think we are good. c'mon..lets break open the packets. Fuck it, there's nothing else to do and nothing we can do." I went to one of the fridges at the checkout and got a couple bottles of water. "Here we go..cheers". I downed one Unisom then the next...then the next...then the next...Jake opened his packet reluctantly, and started downing them too. We were a hair's breath away from oblivion... (part two to follow shortly).


  1. Ok, so what's next!

  2. No idea what Unisom is (guessing a sleep aid), no we haven't all see the 'people of Walmart' videos (guess I'll have to look them up now lol) and too much cussing for my taste (I find it jerks me out of the story when characters curse too much, but that's just a personal peeve), but the story itself is looking promising. Wouldn't fancy being locked in there after what just went down between Jake and that woman...

  3. I can totally picture this all going on at my freakin' Walmart lol nice work!